Thursday, April 17, 2008

I Should Totally be the Principal

The other day Tootsie over at Vintage Thirty tagged me for a meme. Which is great and all, but have any of you ever tried to follow Tootsie? Her answers to the question were so hilarious that I got performance anxiety and my mind went completely blank. I thought I'd give it a day or two and then I might feel up to the challenge. Which I did. Until I just linked back to her and read her answers all over again. Sigh. Oh well. Here goes.

Five Classes that Should have Been Taught in School:

1. How to Say No. (For Girls Only). This class will be useful from high school to college and well into your married life. It's applications are endless. However, it is only once you become a mother that the lessons learned in the class will truly become meaningful. (Required as a freshman. Seniors are encouraged to take a refresher course before heading off to college).

2. Auto shop class (For Girls Only). The absence of boys in the class will prevent certain girls from acting dumb in the presence of boys *coughcoughnataliecoughcough*. Every girl will learn how to change a tire, jump a dead battery, and change your oil. You'll also be taught the fine art of how to spot a dishonest mechanic and learn to spot typical scams, i.e. "You need to have your serpentine belts replaced."

3. Home Economics (For Boys Only). The absence of girls in the class will prevent boys from acting like juveniles when required to do anything remotely identified as feminine. Boys will learn how to use the oven and the stove, and not rely solely upon the grill. Boys will learn how to make a shopping list before going to the grocery store so that they don't buy whatever strikes their fancy as they stroll the aisles. Boys in this class will also learn to do laundry, fold said laundry, and put it away. Upon completion of the course, the boys will be given a certificate noting their qualifications that they will be required to keep on their person at all times.

4. Time Management. (College Prep) Students in this class will only spend 5 minutes of the hour-long class with the teacher each day. The remaining 45 minutes will be spent on work for 4 other classes, writing three term papers, socializing with friends and working a full time job. Failure to complete any of the required tasks will result in a failing grade and loss of scholarship.

5. Sex Education. Students will spend 24 hours a day, seven days a week with a mother and brand new baby. The students will be required to shadow the mother at all times, including the 2, 3, 4:30 and 6:00 a.m. feedings. When the mother is breastfeeding, the student must attach a clothespin to their own nipple for the entire duration of the feeding. The student will learn to identify by sight all forms of poop, including but not limited to, black tar-like poop, yellow seedy poop, mustard yellow poop, and formula poop. For the exam, the student will be required to change the poopy diaper of a screaming child, in the dark, while maintaining their sanity and composure and without poop ending up on the child, the changing table or the wall.

What about you? What do you think they should teach? Today I'm calling on:

Laurel at The Tea Party Place
AndreAnna at Diary of a Modern Matriarch
Esme at Blowtorch in the Middle


Laurel said...

Okay, have you ever tried following you? I'm going to need a couple of days. Especially because I agreed with everything you said. I gotta' go get those creative juices flowing!

Anonymous said...

I maintain that the 2nd class is a BOY JOB & therefore will skip it or fail it or just not take it.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Oh shut up you. I laughed right out loud especially at #5! And the certificate from #3 is required to be presented upon request during the courting years!

Good stuff Madame!!

Karen said...

I love the Home Ec for boys, but let me tell you they should totally do the parenthood class. It would take care of unwed sex for good. Maybe even wed sex.

AndreAnna said...

These were great! Thanks for the tag!

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I wish I had taken #5 before I went and had a kid. Especially after I realized that there were no men willing to be around for the many, many night feedings.

Colleen said...

Number 5 is perfect! the "will wear a clothespin in their nipple" while the mother is breastfeeding. Hysterical!

The Motherboard said...

Hi! Lurker here, but HAD to comment, especially about #5... I LOVED the clothes pin on their nipple... that is SO how it feels! (just had a baby... and the girls, they hurt!)
I'd like to add that they should also have to witness the birth... best birth control EVER! Seeing anyones hoo-haa doing THOSE kinds of acrobatics is enough to send the wildest of us to the nunnery!
Too fun!

ImpostorMom said...

those are some excellent curriculum suggestions, i totally think you should be the principal!