But the above is not actually what I started out to write about tonight. What I really wanted to write about was writers who really put it all out there. Who don't hold anything back and write honestly -- and wittily -- about what's going on in their lives. And how I wish I could do the same.
I think I'm probably one of the last people in the world to read Dooce. I know, I know. What was my problem? I'm not sure. I have this very weird aversion to things that are too popular. I could probably dig deep into my psyche to try to figure it out, but I guess it boils down to the fact that if the masses love it, it must be pablum and not worthy of my time. I really need to get over myself because I've been proven wrong a lot in my life. Grey's Anatomy? Love it (or did, anyway, once). Blogging? Hooked. Mir? Fangirl -- though in a way she doesn't count because I didn't really realize how popular she was when I started reading her. She was, after all, only the second blog I ever read. And now Dooce? I'm hooked. (I should probably give Miami Vice and ER a second look -- both popular shows of which I have never watched a single episode due to the above quirk).
Maybe it's because I discovered Heather's blog when she was "under fire" from Kathie Lee and I felt a kinship with her because I, too, am a "mommy blogger." Maybe I felt the need to circle the wagons. I am just fascinated by the way that Heather and Mir are able to open up about so much that's going on in their lives. I'm sure they don't share every detail, but I'm certain they share a lot. And I envy that a little.
In real life I'm a little bit reserved. I've always been one to hold back a little and sometimes I hate that. I think this reserve has, on occasion, kept me from making friends. Sometimes I wish I could just let go of this shell and relate more openly with people and in my writing. We've had a lot go on in our life in the past two years and sometimes it feels like a heavy weight on my shoulders, or like my finger stuffed in a crack in a dam. It would just be such a release to let it all go.
But sometimes it's easier just to keep it all in.