My Heart

Last night as we were getting ready for bed, I let Punkin choose which sound she wanted to listen to on her sound machine: rainforest, ocean, rain, or summer night. There's a heartbeat option too and she always asks for that one, but I never let her choose that one to fall asleep to. It just doesn't seem restful to me. Too Tell Tale Heart-y.

But then Punkin said "Let me hear your heartbeat, Mommy."

So, I sat down on the edge of her bed and pulled my collar aside and let her press her ear to my chest. She was still and silent for a second. When she pulled away I said "What did my heart say?"

"I love you," she replied in a deeper voice than normal, imitating the low lub-dub sound a heart makes.

And how right she was.

Deconstructing Allison

I haven't addressed the passing of John Hughes on this here blog because it seemed like there were so many other more interesting and well written posts out there in the blogosphere. I mean, how can I compete with Alison who corresponded with Hughes for years.

But, I am a huge fan of John Hughes movies and I've been thinking a lot about them over the last several days. Several websites, including my new favorite, MamaPop, have questioned which was your favorite movie and what character did you most identify with.

Now I would be very hard pressed to say which was my favorite movie, but it would probably come down to a draw between Sixteen Candles and The Breakfast Club. But wait. Hmmm...Can't leave out Ferris Bueller. And what about Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (which is one of the most hilarious yet simultaneously heartbreaking movies ever made)? And Some Kind of Wonderful? Don't even get me started singing that So Lonely song because it will be stuck in my head ALL DAY. See what I'm dealing with here? I can't choose.

As for which character I most identify with, well, that's easier. On Twitter, FADKOG said that she was the love child of Brian and Allison (the characters played by Anthony Michael Hall and Ally Sheedy). But me, I was more like a cross between Claire (Molly Ringwald) and Brian. I had a measure of popularity in high school (though not the money) but nerd blood definitely ran in my veins.

What I saw most in my readings across the internet was how disappointed everyone was with Allison's transformation at the end. Everybody cried "SELLOUT" because she had to get a makeover to get the guy. But see, first of all, I think her makeover is metaphor. Maybe it's my English major roots showing here, but I see her transformation as her way of opening up, as a willingness to change. I think Andrew was already interested in her, it just took a change to really open his eyes. I don't think a little brown eyeliner was going to change Allison all that much. Also, she already had that white top on under all her black. Maybe she wanted someone to see the beauty in her. And what? Pretty girls can't be deep? Sure they can.

I think that Allison was the bravest of them all.

Breakfast of Champions

The eating issues continue apace in our house. By eating issues I mean that Bubba eats very little and Punkin eats everything. Of course I have discovered a few things that Bubba actually enjoys, but the list is quite small. Hamburger quiche (which I have to call Hamburger Pie or he gets confused), Chicken sandwiches, and tacos. That's about it.

The really frustrating thing is that there's another dish I make called Easy Cheesy Pie, which is basically just lots of cheese, noodles, and tomato sauce. It's just like the quiche minus the crust and add noodles. But Bubba won't touch it. Well, to clarify, he will eat it because he knows by now that if he doesn't eat what I put on his plate, then he doesn't eat. I refuse to be a short order cook because it's hard enough making one meal, much less two or three. But when he puts things in his mouth that he doesn't like, it's almost like you can see the food levitating in his mouth even though his mouth is closed. He holds his mouth in such a way that you can just tell that he's trying to keep as little of the food as possible from actually touching any taste buds. It's quite insulting, but I've grown quite a thick skin. I've had to. Once, when I served something he liked, he cheerfully piped up "Mommy, this is really good! It's almost like you didn't make it!" Yeah.

Now Punkin on the other hand is an eater. The child will eat most anything -- though I've discovered in the last few days that she won't even try a smoothie. I made the most delicious banana strawberry smoothie before dinner last night and she absolutely refused to let even the tiniest drop pass her lips. I swear, I felt like pinning her down and forcing her lips open because I know if she'll just try it, she'll love it! Strong will, she haz it.

Smoothies aside though, she'll eat anything. And once, in a fit of frustration with Bubba's pickiness, Mr. Daddy said "Bubba, Punkin's a better eater than you." He quickly came to regret that statement because it did nothing to inflame Bubba's sense of competition, but it did give Punkin a bit of a superiority complex. Now, whenever her plate is cleaner than Bubba's she'll point out to him how much she has eaten and declare herself the winner, which now DOES ignite Bubba's competitiveness. At which time we now have to remind them that it's not a competition.

This morning, as Punkin cleaned her plate she crowed "Look how much I ate, Bubba!"

"It's not a competition!" he growled. "It's breakfast! EVERYBODY wins at breakfast!"

If bacon's involved, I'd say Bubba was right.

I've Got A Feelin' Called the Bluuuues

Today I'm feeling kind of blickey. I have the blickey blues, as Mr. Daddy and I call it. Lately, I've been feeling really out of sorts and I don't like it. No, sir, I don't like it one little bit.

And the weird thing is that I can't really put my finger on what's the matter. I just don't feel good. I mean, I'm not sick or anything, I just feel blah. There are days when I feel like I literally don't have the energy to pick up my arms to do the most mundane tasks. I'm not motivated at work to do anything. I'm very short tempered with everybody, husband and kids alike.

There are times when I feel an approximation of happiness. There are times when the family and I are together and we're laughing and doing something that I know intellectually I know is "fun," but I feel very disassociated from the fun. As though I'm on the outside of a bubble watching everybody else have a good time. I might be laughing, but it doesn't feel real.

This might be more honesty than y'all are accustomed to from me. Frankly, it's a little more honesty than I have been comfortable sharing in the past. But I sort of feel like taking this blog in a new direction -- well, not a completely new direction -- but maybe I'll start sharing a little bit more about what's going on in this head of mine.

Don't worry. It won't be doom and gloom and serious posts all the time. But this "general malaise," as my friend Tara called it, is making me feel as though I don't want to write. It just feels like too much effort. So, I'm hoping by facing this head on, looking this whatever it is in the eye, will help me move past it.

My mom says (and I don't think this originated with her) that you're only as happy as you make up your mind to be. So, I'm trying to make up my mind to be happy. I hope you'll stick around while I'm doing it.

Speaking of Tara, she's started her own blog. It's only a few days old, but go check it out now before you have to spend weeks reading her archives! Tara is a Banshee, a divinity student, wife, mother of two precious girls, and a heck of a great friend. Go check out her blog and see Who's Driving the Bus today.

Some Days Are Better Than Others

We live out in the country -- wayyyyyy out in the country -- in a county that has no leash law. This means that there are dogs running loose everywhere, including ours. Now, this hasn't really been a problem for us other than the fact that it has put a big damper on our plans to get an outdoor cat, because the dogs that roam our "neighborhood" mostly leave us and our dog alone, most probably because she's female and spayed.

There are two dogs up the road who have formed sort of a pack, a pack of two, if you will. And seeing them running around together amuses me to no end because one of the dogs is a gigantic, beautiful chocolate lab and the other is a wee little Chihuahua. Seeing them trotting down the road reminds me of that old cartoon where the little dog is hopping around all over the bigger dog and generally annoying the crap out of him, getting smacked to the wall but coming back for more, clearly idolizing the bigger dog.

Except in this case, the Chihuahua is totally the boss. You can just tell. He's a punk and I don't like him. I imagine that if he could talk, he would sound like the French soldier at the top of the castle in Monty Python and the Holy Grail "I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries." His name is probably Pierre or Jean-Claude or something. I know Chihuahua's hail from Mexico but this little dog is definitely French. Aha! His name is probably Napoleon. That would explain a lot, actually.

See, I know this dog's a punk because I've had "dealings" with him. One day as I drove him, I noticed a cow was out. Being the granddaughter of a dairy farmer, I know this can be a big deal. I didn't want the cow to get hit by a car and I certainly didn't want anyone to get hurt if they were to hit the cow. So, I stopped at a neighbor's house to try to determine who actually owned the cow and I was met at the end of the driveway by Mutt & Napoleon. Mutt, of whom I was actually a little afraid due to his size, walked kindly up to me and placed his paw on my leg as though to say "Whoa. What are you doing, dude?" (I was totally hearing Keanu Reeves' voice in my head). But Napoleon acted as though it was his mission in life to destroy my ankles and my eardrums simultaneously.

But that's not what pisses me off the most about him. No, what gets me is that he chases my car. He runs pell mell towards my left front tire, teeth bared, as though he could actually catch me. And though there is very small part of me that would like to squish him like a bug, every time he chases me I slam on my brakes causing everything in my front seat to slide into the floorboard and my kids to slide forward in their car seats. Every time it happens I swear that next time I'm not going to slam on my brakes and just see what happens, but I can never do it.

But the weird thing is that he doesn't do it every day. Sometimes he just watches me pass, sitting on a little knoll, with what looks almost like contentment on his face. And then there are other days that he would like to drag my car carcass into the woods for his breakfast.

And I realized just this morning, as he serenely watched me pass, that I'm the same way. Some days I feel content to watch the world go by and some days I just want to take a swipe at everything that goes up the road.

So maybe, just maybe, I'll cut him some slack. Maybe he's just having a bad day. Maybe.

Your Technilogical Assistance Required. Or Just Your Opinion.

I didn't get a chance to get on the computer last night because Mr. Daddy and I have bought a new computer and it arrived yesterday. Unfortunately, we assumed that we would be able to find our copy of Windows XP -- we just knew it was around here somewhere -- and so we bought a computer (CHEAP!) without an operating system. And then we couldn't find our our copy of Windows. Of course.

So, last night Mr. Daddy started investigating our options, including Linux, which you can download for free, 'cause you can bet your bippy I'm not paying $200 for Vista. But frankly, Mr. Daddy and I are not technically savvy AT ALL and neither of us really knows what the hell we're doing. So. We still have our old computer up but it's getting slower and slower every day. And we have this great new super-fast computer that we can't use.

Does anybody out there have a suggestion? Can you run iTunes on Linux? I know Mozilla works on it and I can live without Outlook. We don't really need Windows. Do we?

Busy Days Ahead

Sorry for the light posting. We had a busy weekend followed by what promises to be a very busy week.

Last night I attended the mandatory pre-k meeting at Punkin's new school. This is the same pre-K that Bubba attended two years ago and last night's meeting, though boring because I'd heard it all before, went much smoother and nobody shushed me. So that's an improvement right there, right?

Tonight we go back to meet Punkin's teacher, see her classroom and the all-important finding of the cubby! Everybody pleasepleaseplease hold your breath/cross your fingers/say a prayer or whatever it is you do for good luck that Punkin gets the same teacher Bubba had. She is awesome and I think she would be a great fit for Punkin and her "issues." Of course I requested her, but was quickly informed that they don't take requests. Of course they don't. Because everyone wants Ms. Anita. So on three, let's everybody hold our breath, mkay?

Punkin actually starts pre-k tomorrow, which promises to be an interesting day. It will be interesting (and I use that word very loosely) to see how the transition to a new classroom and teacher will affect Punkin and the delicate balance we have constructed with her behavior. Again with the breath holding, if you please.

Tomorrow night we go to Bubba's school to meet his teacher. Actually, let me rephrase that -- tomorrow AFTERNOON, from 3-5 specifically, we go to meet Bubba's teacher. From 3 to 5. During the work day. Fortunately for me I have a very understanding boss and I can easily take off to take Bubba to the school, but what about the parents who can't? Their kids are just shit out of luck, I guess. I don't get our school system at all. Why not at least have had it from 4-6 so that working parents would at least have a shot at getting there? Perhaps I shall offer my two cents.

And then on Thursday, Bubba starts school. So, you see, BUSY.

UPDATED TO ADD: Everybody can breathe now. WE GOT THE TEACHER WE WANTED!! YAYYY!! Yipee!! Wahoo! What a relief.