Thursday, July 10, 2008

All We Are is Boobs in the Wind

So today was the day. The day of the rescheduled breast MRI. I arrived for my 2:45 appointment and was taken right back. I kind of knew what to expect based on Mir's hilarious description. A nice young man was there to hook up the IV, but I was pretty sure he'd hightail it out of there once that job was done. I mean, if they're going to make you dangle your girls, the least they can do is keep the men out of there.

Small digression: A couple of weeks ago when I reminded Mr. Daddy that this appointment was coming up, he asked me some questions about the procedure. "Well, based on Mir's description, you have to put your boobs in these holes and they dangle down and they do an MRI on them."

"Hey, I should get a job there," he jokingly leered.

"Yeeeaah. I'm sure that's just what every woman wants. Having some guy hitting on her while she's got her boobs flapping in the wind."

"Hey there," Mr. Daddy crooned in his best lounge lizard voice. "Had those long?" We both had a good laugh. He cracks me up.

Anyway, back to today. As I lay back for them to insert the IV, I noticed a lovely picture on the ceiling -- a calming scene of a field of tulips next to a small stream. Lovely. But. If I had my druthers, I'd just as soon look at something more appealing.

"It's too bad you can't customize that scene for each patient, " I mused. "I'd like a photo of George Clooney."

Nothing. No response. Maybe a polite "heh." Is there some kind of requirement that hospital staff have their sense of humor removed? Does it interfere with the equipment or something?

The IV was installed, ear plugs were provided, and boobs were inserted.

At first I thought, "Hey, this is not too bad." The cutout where you put your face is not unlike a masseuse's table, though I generally don't have to keep my hands above my head when I'm getting a massage.

"Okay, we're about to get started. If you need anything, just squeeze this bulb I'm going to put in your hand." And into the tube I went.

What struck me immediately was the sound. For a minute I thought I was at a rave. There was a continual thump-thump-thump-thump that sounded like the bass line of every "dance mix" I've ever heard. What struck me next was the fact that the ear plug in my right ear had somehow become dislodged. What should I do? Should I move to re-insert it? But no, they said don't move. Should I squeeze the bulb to get their attention? Was this a bulb worthy event? What if I squeezed it and they were like "Seriously? That's why you squeezed the bulb? Your ear plug came out? Call us when something important happens." So I kept still.

And then the real noise started. At first it was a "EEEHHNN" very much like the wrong answer sound on Family Feud.

Followed by a slow jackhammer. And then a digeridoo. All these noises became very repetitive and you might be surprised to know that I dozed off.

BWANH! BWANH! BWANH! I startled awake. My first thought was that our spaceship was under attack and these were the warning alarms. I fully expected to hear an incongruously calm voice start to intone "Please evacuate. This vessel will destruct in T minus one minute."

Instead it was only the technician. "Only about 6 minutes left and then we'll be all done."

Six minutes. Suddenly it began to seem as though the weight of my entire body was resting on the spot right between my eyes. I had an extremely strong urge to lift my head just to alleviate some of the pressure. I began to feel a little panicky. I must move my head. I must alleviate the pressure. I was beginning to feel desperate. If I were starring in the tv movie of the week, this is where somebody would have slapped me and told me to get a hold of myself. So I did.

"Okay, we're done. You can roll over now."

Whew. Here we go. Um. Gee. My face won't seem to let go of this padding. Or this padding won't seem to let go of my face. Hmm....with some effort I pulled my head up and finally, with almost a suction like noise, the headrest turned loose of my face.

I must have looked completely out of it because the technician looked at me with an odd look on her face. "Are you okay?"

Oh, sure! Peachy! Just great. In fact, let's do that again -- all those things ran through my head. "I'm fine."

And I am, though I won't get any results until next week. Not expecting to find anything. I think the vibrations set off a little vertigo because I've been feeling a little nauseated since I got home, but I ate dinner and I feel better.

It's over and done with. For now. But just think -- I get to do it all again next year. Woo hoo!
This is running a little long, so come back tomorrow for my thoughts on ways to improve the whole experience. Let's just say I don't think that a little alcohol is a ridiculous request.


Karen said...

Sam works in MRI and we can hear the humming and whirring in the hallway. The mere thought of going into that tube triggers my claustrophobia. It won't happen.

And squeezing the bulb for the ear plugs would have been totally acceptable.

1blueshi1 said...

come pull up a chair, I'll dish you up some spaghetti and pour you a large glass of my cab AND put the bottle next to you.
You totally deserve it!
I sat in the room with Bookey when she had an MRI as a newborn; they tell you those things are loud, but MY GOD, THEY ARE...LOUD.
I think the fact that you were able to fall asleep is a tribute to the tiredness of mothers (tries to pry face out of keyboard) said...

I've had three on three separate areas. Lemme tell you, it's awful any which way. And, I'm claustrophobic, so I GET it. I hope the results are good.

Laurel said...

So many things in that post made me giggle. Isn't it weird that you want to be socially appropriate at the hospital? Like wondering whether or not the earplug was bulb pull worthy. I have those thoughts all the time! You crack me up!

Fannie Mae said...

I've had several MRIs and I have one word for you - XANAX!

calicobebop said...

Yikes! I think a jigger or two is certainly in order. That can be the IV guy's other job. :)

The Motherboard said...

Your blog makes me laugh. Every single time!

I love how you were trying to be all PC in the tube... I've had and MRI-- they suck. Big time. And I totally would have squeezed the CRAP out of that ball to get my earplug back in!

I hope everything is a-ok!

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Tranny Head said...

I have noticed that same lack of humor with medical professionals. I went to the dentist last week. I have notoriously bad teeth, and I told the guy "can't you just remove them all and give me teeth a la Jaws in the James Bond movies? You know, the steel trap kind?" Nothing. "Nope," he said.

Yeah, great. Now not only did the dentist prove he sucks, but he make me think my joke sucked, too.

Oh - and yeah - those MRI machines make all kinds of annoying clanging noises. Just think - if you had a nipple ring, it would have been ripped out from the force of the magnets! YAY!

Colleen said...

maybe it was a primitive newborns to noise?

sounds crazy, though. hope everything turns out alright...hope I don't have to do that because I'm not really sure that mine will actually hang down...there needs to be some mass for gravity to work on for that to happen, I would think.