Aware

I have found that the times that I feel most alive -- and by alive I mean, happiest, most fulfilled, most satisfied with my here and now -- are the times that I am truly "in the moment." That feels a little "new-agey," "let's all chant together" to me to say that, but it's true.

Those times when I stop to notice the smell of the air, or that little bird hopping on the porch, or to truly pay attention to what my children are saying or doing instead of listening while I'm doing a thousand other things. Those are the times I'm talking about.

And of course, those moments apply to my husband, too. The man who, in the daily rush of life, probably gets ignored more than anyone else. And he's a good husband, too, so that makes it doubly unfair. I may complain about him sometimes, but he's a good one. a keeper. He changed his fair share of diapers, he helps out around the house. He does the things I don't want to do, like making sure the grass stays mowed and crawling underneath our house to replace the salt in our water filter.

But in the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, we are like friendly ships passing in the night, wanting to stop but not always able. A perfunctory kiss as he heads out the door with Punkin, but only if we're not wrangling our respective charges or haranguing someone to put down that DS and put on your socks. An occasional hug in the quiet house as he heads for the coffee maker, before the kids are awake.

But there are times when I truly see him too. Times when I watch him and he's not even aware and I marvel at him. I watch as he spreads his fingers wide to accommodate Punkin's little fingers as they hold hands. I watch him hold Bubba in his lap, Bubba who is almost too big for this sort of thing, as they stare in fascination at some science or space show on the television. I watch him stand up for something he believes in, even in the face of harsh criticism and I am proud of him.

In the introduction of Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott quotes "The Wild Rose" by Wendell Berry and it made me think of those moments.

Sometimes hidden from me
in daily custom and in trust,
so that I live by you unaware
as by the beating of my heart.

Suddenly you flare in my sight,
a wild rose blooming at the edge
of thicket, grace and light
where yesterday was only shade,

and once again I am blessed, choosing
again what I chose before.


I chose him. And I'm happy he chose me. Our road has not always been easy, but we've traveled it together and that counts for a lot.